Fucking fine, dude, you don't want to talk, we won't talk.
[she doesn't know what she expected. she did threaten to kill everyone. that he gave her this much should be a mercy.]
I'll be back when my shit's more together and when I've figured out how to make up for what I've said and done. Check with Ortus if you want to know more about the history of the Dominicus system in the meantime, I guess.
I'm sorry, but you don't get to be the one dismissing me over this. Consider me part of your consequences. I doubt I'm going to be your biggest challenge.
Do you really think I'm interested, at this current moment in time, in more history lessons? Did I not make it clear enough to you before that I have no interest in 'blowing it all wide open' simply because you're obsessed with the Emperor? You're consistent, which isn't a compliment.
And if you aren't still miring in it right now, then frankly, I'm still not impressed. Blowing me off as if I'm in the wrong here because your actions have consequences is childish.
[it takes anna some time for her head to clear enough to respond to this, and she's not even sure it is clear by the time she starts typing.]
I'm done giving a shit about blowing it wide open. He already killed me once, and right now I have some bigger fucking problems than that. I'm telling you this because I THOUGHT you were actually interested in learning shit, not because I think it's gonna detonate John's whole fucking empire. I don't care about burning it down anymore, but I already know you don't want to know why, because it's all about my own pity party bullshit.
[she coughs on her end, and it feels like she won't stop for a while. a body that's still trying to reform isn't ready to get this heated yet. but here she is doing it anyway.]
I don't want to kill him. I don't want to kill any of you. It's not going to fucking solve anything. I'm sorry that I don't know how to fix this, Palamedes. I've never done anything this fucking stupid before.
Fine; I'll retract that. In exchange, don't tell me what I do and don't want. The fact that I left the beach doesn't mean I haven't been occupied with my own business like everyone else.
The problem is putting this in terms of 'solve' and 'fix'. It doesn't work like that.
[anna is smart enough to know that this is not actually resolved, that she needs to be taking a lesson from this and that she needs to be better. a retraction is temporary at best if she doesn't actually give him reason to keep it retracted. she takes another moment, then. tries to put it in a way that her brain can make sense of.]
Kainé left me.
[well, that fucking hurts worse than the bronchitis. good job, asshole. she tries typing more; it takes considerably longer. she doesn't know why palamedes is getting the full history, but it's the first time she's explained it to anyone. maybe it's because he's the first one to ask.]
The first time she and I talked about John together, I made a promise to her that I wouldn't do anything to disrupt the peace we had. And I kept it for as long as I could, but then I saw Gus drop her on the beach and it was like nothing else mattered but getting vengeance. And when I came back to life, there was a note on my door in her handwriting saying that she was a dumbass for trusting me. She took all her stuff and left. She even tore up the flowers she'd been growing.
[Ah. The hostility and defensiveness fall into place, in that they're misplaced to a profound degree. Not that Palamedes believes this excuses anything, but there's something to be said for context.
A retraction is a retraction is a pin stuck in it, for another time. 'Solve' and 'fix' lean too close to 'redemption,' and redemption is a story; redemption isn't real.
That's for later. That's a mess. Heartbreak, he can handle. He knows that one.]
I'm sorry to hear that. Heartbreak is heartbreak, regardless.
But you don't need me to tell you to give her time. She might not come back; you'll have to deal with that as it happens. Either way, the way you feel now won't be you forever.
[that comes out first, and it comes out easiest, but it's far from an automatic reply. it's good, she thinks, that someone she views as maybe one of the smartest people in trench is telling her that the course she's already taking is the one that he'd take, too. or maybe it's just basic consideration, but right now she wants to take the path that makes her feel better about herself.]
She's one of the only people I haven't reached out to yet. I have to talk to the other people I just left notes for first before I even think of coming back into her life. Like I said, the only thing I could think about was vengeance. I should have talked to people first instead of just going ahead with my bullshit. I have a lot of people who deserve better than what I gave them. Some of them are going to understand, but I don't think most of them will.
Yeah. Lying is only going to make it worse. I say it once, and then I give her space and time to process it. Same as everyone else.
[not romanticizing will be slightly harder, but this is her girlf... ex-girlfriend, probably, that she's talking about. and this is also the girl who was reciting poetry in her head as she attacked a god. but she'll try.]
On the subject of giving people space, Do you think it's safe for me to go back into the group chat? Or should I stay out of it for a while longer.
[No one wants to hear that they're the reason behind a tragedy, no matter how many pretty words it has around it. Precisely like that, and no further. Please.]
As for the other thing, I don't know. There's no guarantee everyone else is rushing back there.
[He, personally, has managed three whole words in there, and one of them was his name.]
By my understanding, if you retain access, you retain welcome? But it's your call.
Think I'll probably give it some time to let the dust settle, then.
[she's looked at it one time, to see the days-old report of those missing and dead and deliver it to falco. she's not eager to look back in.]
With everyone else, I at least know that I want to apologize for the things I've said and done and threatened to do. I really don't like saying it, but I'm still on the fence with the esteemed host of that chat. Maybe I'm the one who needs some time.
[Just Paul, which could mean anything from 'he tried to apologize' to 'as well you should be' and everything around and in between, and honestly? Probably does. Palamedes is somewhere in the vicinity of a fence when it comes to Paul, himself; the amount of times he extended an inkling of understanding, of patience and trust that Paul could make the right decisions, only for...
Well, for. Perhaps he and Paul had different definitions of 'not getting other people involved' when they discussed it so many weeks ago.
For a lengthy moment it's as if he's just going to say Paul and nothing else, until the next bit finally comes:]
He made his choices the same as the rest of us. Accepting what the rest of us decide to do isn't a consequence only reserved for you.
[the very same, she thinks. the once and future king, she doesn't type. there are a lot of things she could say or do in the interim, but she gives palamedes time, as well—because it seems like the smart thing to do in general, especially when you can't get a read on someone.]
[there must be more that he's done. ha, as though commanding a boat full of people to bear witness to a murder while playing the prodigal son to a world-destroying terror isn't enough. but she does, naturally, assume that there's more to what's taking palamedes so long to respond. when he does, she types first idly, like she's pausing for a laugh, then a little more seriously.]
Let's hope he handles it with a little more grace. I'm glad I'm not the only one who doesn't know what to do with him yet.
I don't think grace is his most pressing concern, necessarily.
[But. He isn't a gossip, and it serves nothing except his own scrubbed-raw emotions to indulge in talking about Paul like this. There remains as well his tangle of emotions about Anna and her own actions, so.
Well.
So, much wearier than he might have otherwise snapped ten minutes ago, as much as text can convey exhaustion:]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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[she doesn't know what she expected. she did threaten to kill everyone. that he gave her this much should be a mercy.]
I'll be back when my shit's more together and when I've figured out how to make up for what I've said and done.
Check with Ortus if you want to know more about the history of the Dominicus system in the meantime, I guess.
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Do you really think I'm interested, at this current moment in time, in more history lessons? Did I not make it clear enough to you before that I have no interest in 'blowing it all wide open' simply because you're obsessed with the Emperor? You're consistent, which isn't a compliment.
And if you aren't still miring in it right now, then frankly, I'm still not impressed. Blowing me off as if I'm in the wrong here because your actions have consequences is childish.
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I'm done giving a shit about blowing it wide open.
He already killed me once, and right now I have some bigger fucking problems than that.
I'm telling you this because I THOUGHT you were actually interested in learning shit, not because I think it's gonna detonate John's whole fucking empire.
I don't care about burning it down anymore, but I already know you don't want to know why, because it's all about my own pity party bullshit.
[she coughs on her end, and it feels like she won't stop for a while. a body that's still trying to reform isn't ready to get this heated yet. but here she is doing it anyway.]
I don't want to kill him. I don't want to kill any of you. It's not going to fucking solve anything.
I'm sorry that I don't know how to fix this, Palamedes. I've never done anything this fucking stupid before.
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The problem is putting this in terms of 'solve' and 'fix'. It doesn't work like that.
What are your big problems?
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Kainé left me.
[well, that fucking hurts worse than the bronchitis. good job, asshole. she tries typing more; it takes considerably longer. she doesn't know why palamedes is getting the full history, but it's the first time she's explained it to anyone. maybe it's because he's the first one to ask.]
The first time she and I talked about John together, I made a promise to her that I wouldn't do anything to disrupt the peace we had. And I kept it for as long as I could, but then I saw Gus drop her on the beach and it was like nothing else mattered but getting vengeance. And when I came back to life, there was a note on my door in her handwriting saying that she was a dumbass for trusting me. She took all her stuff and left. She even tore up the flowers she'd been growing.
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A retraction is a retraction is a pin stuck in it, for another time. 'Solve' and 'fix' lean too close to 'redemption,' and redemption is a story; redemption isn't real.
That's for later. That's a mess. Heartbreak, he can handle. He knows that one.]
I'm sorry to hear that. Heartbreak is heartbreak, regardless.
But you don't need me to tell you to give her time. She might not come back; you'll have to deal with that as it happens. Either way, the way you feel now won't be you forever.
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[that comes out first, and it comes out easiest, but it's far from an automatic reply. it's good, she thinks, that someone she views as maybe one of the smartest people in trench is telling her that the course she's already taking is the one that he'd take, too. or maybe it's just basic consideration, but right now she wants to take the path that makes her feel better about herself.]
She's one of the only people I haven't reached out to yet. I have to talk to the other people I just left notes for first before I even think of coming back into her life.
Like I said, the only thing I could think about was vengeance. I should have talked to people first instead of just going ahead with my bullshit. I have a lot of people who deserve better than what I gave them.
Some of them are going to understand, but I don't think most of them will.
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[He hasn't decided which direction he'll take in the end, but he has, as it happens, more patience than most people.]
Still. Don't push. And if she asks you why you did what you did, don't lie to her, but don't romanticize it either.
That's the best I can offer. Ultimately, you can make your case once, and then it's out of your hands.
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Lying is only going to make it worse.
I say it once, and then I give her space and time to process it. Same as everyone else.
[not romanticizing will be slightly harder, but this is her girlf... ex-girlfriend, probably, that she's talking about. and this is also the girl who was reciting poetry in her head as she attacked a god. but she'll try.]
On the subject of giving people space,
Do you think it's safe for me to go back into the group chat?
Or should I stay out of it for a while longer.
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[No one wants to hear that they're the reason behind a tragedy, no matter how many pretty words it has around it. Precisely like that, and no further. Please.]
As for the other thing, I don't know. There's no guarantee everyone else is rushing back there.
[He, personally, has managed three whole words in there, and one of them was his name.]
By my understanding, if you retain access, you retain welcome? But it's your call.
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[she's looked at it one time, to see the days-old report of those missing and dead and deliver it to falco. she's not eager to look back in.]
With everyone else, I at least know that I want to apologize for the things I've said and done and threatened to do.
I really don't like saying it, but I'm still on the fence with the esteemed host of that chat.
Maybe I'm the one who needs some time.
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[Just Paul, which could mean anything from 'he tried to apologize' to 'as well you should be' and everything around and in between, and honestly? Probably does. Palamedes is somewhere in the vicinity of a fence when it comes to Paul, himself; the amount of times he extended an inkling of understanding, of patience and trust that Paul could make the right decisions, only for...
Well, for. Perhaps he and Paul had different definitions of 'not getting other people involved' when they discussed it so many weeks ago.
For a lengthy moment it's as if he's just going to say Paul and nothing else, until the next bit finally comes:]
He made his choices the same as the rest of us. Accepting what the rest of us decide to do isn't a consequence only reserved for you.
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[there must be more that he's done. ha, as though commanding a boat full of people to bear witness to a murder while playing the prodigal son to a world-destroying terror isn't enough. but she does, naturally, assume that there's more to what's taking palamedes so long to respond. when he does, she types first idly, like she's pausing for a laugh, then a little more seriously.]
Let's hope he handles it with a little more grace.
I'm glad I'm not the only one who doesn't know what to do with him yet.
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[But. He isn't a gossip, and it serves nothing except his own scrubbed-raw emotions to indulge in talking about Paul like this. There remains as well his tangle of emotions about Anna and her own actions, so.
Well.
So, much wearier than he might have otherwise snapped ten minutes ago, as much as text can convey exhaustion:]
Go get your house in order, Anna.
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I'll do my best.
Thanks for the advice, Palamedes. I appreciate it.